A Waste of Your Time

Holy crap, a live journal-y update!

2005-10-16T20:29:28Z

Well, I finally found one of those memes or whatever that I didn't completely hate/find stupid, so I figured I'd use this live journal in the normal way.

So, stolen from Mr. Mental/Kris Assault or Arena, or whatever (Speaking of which, how can you, with the name of powerplay, not have Slapshot as one of your movies?):

1: Pick sixteen films you love / thoroughly enjoyed.
2: Find one screen capture for each film.
3: Post the pictures with the rules; let your readers guess which still is from which movie.
4: Post the answers, and pick a winner.

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

11.

12.

13.

14.

15.

16.

Also, let me add that this was hard, as some movies proved hard to find a shot of that didn't have the title plastered over it, and there's the fact that I couldn't think of any movies, what with my being an idiot.

Despite nobody caring...

2005-09-29T19:56:06Z

Another block o' "Tale of the Hebrew Potato"! It's parts 26 through 30 (Only 70 more sections to go! Can you feel the excitement? Of course not, since nobody will even read this! Huzzah!) However, if you'd like to comment, but don't know what to say, uh...maybe pick out some lines you liked, or want deeper insight to, or try to analyze it like it's a piece of good poetry and show me what happened (Both the analyzation, and what happened to your brain before/after it snapped. Pictures would be nice).

XXVI
Tomatoes are no longer to eat the flesh of barbers.
Lobster bait is mostly fried light bulbs but also contains some tofu.
Harps should be milked very nine weeks and only by dead spiders.
Bearded femurs should never be mixed with mechanical pies.
Oscillating limes cannot match wits with derelict turpentine.
Kenyan dentists are easily tempted with salmon phonographs.
Lava coated rapes are rarely sold to German puffins.
Destitute marmalade can never run for Governor in Iowa.
Tomato-based umbrellas cannot shield French painters from obese poodles.
Brick walls have always had difficulty in being accepted in Nepal.

XXVII
Robotic margarine is notoriously difficult to spread on toasted granite.
Most leeches are in desperate need of chowder hats and oak mittens.
A shark’s trousers must always come with levitating quilts.
The Pope has made it illegal for comatose gnats to posses toffee.
If the salmon can pilot a terrier, then rain will come to the French.
Mustard gas is a Scandinavian delicacy, often served with lye.
Emaciated doves desperately need bourbon and asparagus.
Rabbis, it seems can never recall that tangerines differ greatly from other fish.
Translucent mimes dance before the royal turnip.
Doughnuts need never apply for financial aid in Syria.

XXVIII
The sinuses of a Mormon demand to be liberated by Turkish ducks.
Tapioca rickshaw, demon pancreas, eaten on a woolly lantern.
Overzealous wrenches must always be force-fed mashed gargoyles.
Timely kites have been persecuted by vociferous flounder.
The waxed typhoon will not flee from a squadron of ticks.
Horseradish and ducklings have quarreled for far too long in Brazil.
Viral penguins often burrow into the snowmobiles of Greek tailors.
Lobster-induced thimbles must be careful not to melt waffles.
Detonating a shallow bishop has never brought luck to Norway.
Vibrant mollusks enjoy lactating molten ferns.

XXIX
Never stuff a pheasant into a tomato without first putting on glass boots.
The kneecaps of Satan cannot match the sweet fragrance of a midget’s necktie.
Mutilated flapjacks are in constant need of diamond hams.
Absorbing camel livers has been proven to eradicate torpedoes.
An educated mongoose is still inferior to a drunken Ukrainian mushroom.
Lemon-hued femurs have an inherent lack of respect for Latin tile.
Statues of pelicans made out of dried kelp are highly popular.
The energy brought forth by a cowardly gnat is enough to crush Samoa.
A dolphin’s monocle fetches a high price with plumbers.
Melted badgers can have hours of fun with swollen yams.

XXX
Never provide a lamprey with a waffle cone filled with dead clams.
A schizophrenic trout must always be wrapped in green asphalt.
Dampen your flanges with chum before visiting Somalia in autumn.
Twelve hamsters are far more capable to beat a squid than limes.
Syphilis-crusted harpoons are always welcome to a narwhal’s colon.
Edible muskrats have had hard times finding employment with drills.
Invading turnips have no right to eat a tambourine’s ascot.
Salmonella must learn to devour mimes before it can jitterbug.
Tiny bearded gremlins bearing a hazy resemblance to Winston Churchill are nigh.
Irish bananas are in great danger of being molested by turtles.

Katrina

2005-08-31T19:03:48Z

So, Katrina has pretty much destroyed New Orleans (And the water won't be leaving any time soon, with the levees and whatnot), and unless I'm much mistaken, a good portion of southern Mississippi, where I lived for nearly ten years, and where I've still got a lot of friends. I believe they are safe, but I'm not positive.

On a similar subject, I wonder which countries have sent in relief during this tragedy.

Flabbergastery!

2005-07-11T14:29:10Z

Normally I'd be at college right now, but hurricane Dennis has changed those plans (Also, when I got there, the campus was damn near empty, and a good number of buildings were locked), so, how's about a live journal update? So what if nobody cares, I'm writing one anyway!

Perhaps luckily or not, depending upon how much you like/hate the ongoing 'Hewbrew Potato' poem, this will be another glimpse into my life, which I am completely not making up.

So, I assume that you, the reader, has heard of the phrase "cooking with gas" before. My parents most certainly did, and they took it to heart. Whenever a family barbecue, or any outdoor cooking was scheduled, gas was most certainly involved. Not propane, but gasoline. They'd get a barrel, usually cut it in half, and put about an inch or more of gas in the bottom, light it, and have us kids cook our own food. Hell, sometimes this was done inside, too. Life was...interesting...back in those days, to say the least.

The hell you say?

2005-06-16T05:15:19Z

I said this earlier today, but it bears repeating: My reality is crumbling before my very eyes!

For I recently learned that Jonathan Swift's "A Modest Proposal" is satiric.

That kind of thing should be made explicitly clear on the title page. That damn essay is one of the major reasons I took up baby eating, and lo and behold, ol' Swifty doesn't mean it!

I don't know, I might keep eating babies, as they are good, but now it seems slightly wrong. It'd be like if it said in the Bible somewhere to beat plumbers with a rake every Tuesday, but then someone came out and said it was a mis-translation. Do you keep doing it? It's become a custom, but now the major reason for doing it is no longer valid.

Advice/help/recipes/etc. wanted

More "Hebrew Potato" 'fun'

2005-05-29T06:08:20Z

Well, those last few entries were a good change from this crap, huh? So, here goes parts 21 through 25.

XXI
Printers are not allowed to socialize with tiny cantaloupes.
Juicy tornadoes often win sewing contests in Fiji.
Beating a thermos without a marlin is a very foolish thing to do.
No porpoise should ever kill a flamingo while wearing galoshes.
Diamonds that attend sturgeon weddings are in desperate need of ham.
A laminated mitten will enjoy knitting for blind yachts.
If a waffle resides underwater, gremlins won’t milk the beets.
Orphaned salami requires constant turtle margaritas.
Do not sing to a yam if you value your hat band.
Tokyo has no use for middle-aged lamps and thus executes them promptly.

XXII
A turquoise llama will not date a rake from Pakistan.
Often, the shelves are enveloped by tuna.
Peanut butter is a common substitute for motor oil in Latvia.
Replacing a mime with a fork is the wisest choice a baboon can make.
To stab a lamb properly, wear satin contact lenses.
Peruvian chisels have been plotting to overthrow the Pope for years.
Clocks without tomato sauce must resort to becoming tennis instructors.
Filling a clam with ticks should be postponed until winter.
If infected with weasels, quickly set fire to a delicatessen.
Murdering a broom is punishable by defoliation in Greece.

XXIII
The life of a termite is not complete without oranges.
Don’t ever lick a Mayan’s turnip.
When painting lobsters, always remember to rinse the frog.
Salted watches are very popular with Greek mammoths.
Illiterate beets have a crippling fear of floor lamps.
Sandwiches with an elementary school education are great doctors.
Dolphin forests are often under attack from mutant seagulls.
Incontinent pudding has no use for hamburger tapestries.
Tomatoes filled with magma turn out to be poor librarians.
A salmon’s orthodontist won’t kill a fern with a harp.

XXIV
Melancholy pickles often attend lectures given by lice.
Wool ducks have been banned from Jordan for years.
Refrain from milking peppers without an obsidian piano.
Celibate lemurs often quarrel with Irish liver flukes.
Bottled ferrets are popular with androgynous cabbage.
Drunk tomatoes work part-time as lobster groomers.
Lecherous flannel should never masticate frozen asphalt.
Color blind kettles must be kept from yodeling beakers.
Lye hats are mass produced in Berlin by deaf thimbles.
Eating glass shoelaces should no be attempted by wasps.

XXV
Lambs that eat femurs are in high demand in Haiti.
Mushrooms without barnacle lamps are highly frowned upon.
Turpentine requires no reservation to see the Pope.
Deer coated in tar are not on good terms with Icelandic rabbis.
Pineapple shampoo is never used by apathetic muskrats.
Lawyers infested with mittens must be incinerated by trout.
Bloated tubas have never defeated quartz goats at fencing.
Feverish ropes are not allowed to kill hirsute protractors.
A salmon without a toga is as useless as a molten toboggan.
Leaking radishes will not be accepted to join the ranks of MENSA.

About Me Continued (Part Nostril of #*#FD#OI)

2005-05-24T03:45:19Z

Since the first one wasn't hated, I figured I would provide another look at my life, once again, of my early years, sort of.

From conversations with friends, it seems that the practice of "fending for oneself" is fairly common with families, in that the parents care to not make the evening meal, and the members of the family must find a way to feed him/herself. The same was true in my family, only, and my previous entry shouldn't make this too shocking, in a very different fashion.

When my mother or father informed us that we would have to 'fend for ourselves' they meant it quite literally. No pre-bought food was available. If we managed to stun a bird with a rock, we were free to cook it, but we could not open a can of soup. Because of this (And it happened with some regularity), I've grown quite accustomed to the taste of pigeon.

More information (And perhaps more of "Hebrew Potato") later.

About Me (Part One of Elephant)

2005-05-01T22:38:49Z

So, I'm taking the Teebler's (Or, if we're getting personal and on a first name basis and such, Patrick's) advice, and doing a non-poem entry. Maybe this will offer some insight to my life/stuff that I do/whatever, and maybe it won't. Anyway, here it is:

When I was younger, I had very sensitive ears. Apparently, this was good when I was an infant, as I wouldn't cry too much, because it was too loud for me to hear. However, as I grew older, it didn't look like it'd help me out. I could hear someone whispering in the opposite end of the house, even with a TV on and people having a conversation in the same room as me. If the house was really quiet, I could hear the neighbors across the street. At three or so years old, it might be weird and such, but my parents felt that this would only hurt me later in life, especially in school. I mean, imagine trying to concentrate on what the teacher is saying, when you can hear the teachers in three other classrooms. So, my parents decided to take action. Every night, before I went to sleep, they'd pour about a teaspoon of bleach into my ears and cover them with cotton balls. Sadly, this method didn't really work, and looking back, it's not much of a surprise that it didn't, as both of my parents were batshit crazy. I'm seriously lucky that I escaped childhood with my life and all of my limbs.

Ugh...

2005-04-29T03:58:22Z

So, I'm thinking, should I even bother to keep updating this thing? Or, at least, use it to post my 'poems' and such? I'm starting to understand Brian's reasoning for taking down his blogs, nobody seems to care. I mean, if you think these are getting repetitive, suck now, always sucked, whatever, just say something. At least I'll know they've been seen by someone. I'm going to keep writing this stuff, regardless of what the majority opinion (Ha, like I'd get enough comments for a majority opinion to exist) is, but if they aren't liked, I'll keep them to myself.

Yes, I know this is a desperate attempt to get comments, and yes, I know I don't really comment much on other people's journals, but I'm going to try and change that, even if I have fuck all to say.

Thank you for your time, and have a pleasant gremlin-riddled nightmare.

More Hebrew Potato

2005-03-26T02:50:54Z

I'll eventually get this finished (Sometime in the year 3058), so for now, parts sixteen through twenty.

XVI
Remember to always treat an unemployed wombat with respect.
Demon nostrils are remarkable real estate agents.
A molten crab isn’t of any use to Dutch prostitutes.
The lasagna shall in fact step down from its Senatorial seat.
Dipping a poodle into lobster brains is a common act performed on street corners.
Chasing a pencil can be difficult for Mongolians.
An escaped cabinet will always return for shoeboxes.
Dolphins often eat nails with drunk lamps in Denmark.
Sausage fields do not grow well next to golf course parking lots.
Tuscan shampoo is too rich in anthrax for disabled meteors.

XVII
The fumes from radishes are overwhelming and fatal to wrenches.
Lactating buses are in need of orange frogs wearing hats.
A monk without an umbrella can’t eat pickled zebra hooves.
Obnoxious voles are routinely stuffed into limes in Sicily.
Laminating your knees makes you susceptible to liver assault.
Teachers will only spelunk with mutated toast in Malta.
Amish towels must result to selling fetid mice to ticks.
In terms of comedy, a Scottish banjo has no superior.
Must zombies always borrow the clam drill?
Any sweater lacking in mozzarella must tap dance.

XVIII
Never steal a Jewish bagel’s freshly stocked tomato cupboard.
Highly competitive, Papal foot races are dangerous when held in Iowa.
If you stone a lobster, expect to be infected by chimps.
Mastodons are still unable to cook with oranges despite additional soap.
Lyme disease is a common addition to many Caribbean dishes.
A bucket full of miners’ toes should be kept out of the reach of oars.
Prowling turbans never accept eels from overweight cymbals.
To properly signal a leprechaun, set fire to a lime’s hat rack.
Always remember to lock up any salmon Frisbees when faucets are about.
Umbrellas are rarely seen in the company of herniated marbles.

XIX
Refrain from pouring turpentine on an ant’s midwife.
Lumpy turtles in a hat are popular in Tibet.
Tiny marbles are consistently bad at playing bagpipes.
Farmers don’t despair over lack of leech pudding.
Drowning a pillow is good luck for your stock portfolio.
An incapacitated weevil must not shirk its janitorial duties.
The larva of a cartographer chooses not to eat velvet.
To hurdle over a phonograph, one must posses a duck’s radio.
Naked melons have been the bane of sparrows for weeks.
A syringe full of lava is highly demanded by goat shepherds.

XX
Never ingest snails without wearing an iron raincoat.
Leaking mints rarely vote against moose livers.
If a ham shivers, tulips will riot in autumn.
Infecting a squid with bowling balls is good economic policy.
A dead towel is of no use to Swedish jugglers.
Fourteen midgets should never melt a xylophone’s hat.
Medicinal rhubarb should be kept cool in a mime’s spinal column.
A dolphin’s cry can be heard up to six miles away by a tomato.
Destroying a hotel coat rack, while fun, should only be done by geese.
If a goat’s soul is injected with nickels, winter will be harsh on Mars.

Originally created 3-1-05

2005-03-01T22:29:23Z

Sadly, this has no title at this moment. In some cases I'd wait to post this until I've come up with a title, but all of my other poems began with the title. So, I guess, for now at least, it'll be called " ". I will take sugestions for a title, but I might just leave it untitled.

I’d
rather not
be here. Take
me back home. The
walls are closing in on
my mind. Leave the deflated
walrus, save me from sanity. Toss
me that baleen life preserver before the
sawdust rises too high. I never should have
ridden that drunken marmalade, but I had no
other chance to escape from the ocelots of Nevada and
their fleet of highly-trained mimes. Scoop me into your potato
trawler and I’ll reward you with a cornucopia of beaver spleens,
sanguine turtles, and a vast array of petrified grapefruit. As we
navigate our way back through the fog, heavy with bacon fat, I must issue a warning
against the terrors that we are sure to encounter, with this vessel coated in
lye and filled with decomposing flounder, terrors known to many a
Greek cabbage, same as the ones on your crew, as velvet
tangerines. The look on your face shows that you’ve never heard
those words before, so I’ll use a phrase you should know,
that is, if you’ve got any skills as a Lutheran
porcupine miner. The terrors of which I speak
are often called salty muskrats by your
people. So, if you value your life
and your cargo of broccoli
pelts, let us swiftly
flee from those
enraged
yaks.

Belated birthday edition

2004-11-02T19:54:36Z

Well, I didn't advertise it here, but my birthday was yesterday. Not that it means anything, but, there you go. So, in 'honor' of it, here are parts eleven through fifteen of The Tale of the Hebrew Potato

XI
Crumble your teeth into the pond for good luck.
Never attempt to persuade a leech into dating a tractor.
Sand is great for stuffing hamsters.
The tops of hams have no desire to enter pageants.
Accepting a dinosaur dietary advice is unwise.
A liquid mechanic will not ski with an Italian hat maker.
Eating a raw sparrow may cause severe jaundice.
A lamenting ocelot is able to herd top hats very efficiently.
A chewy trout must have proof of ID to farm.
Expect dire consequences if you juggle with termites.

XII
Paint thinner is the only legal liquid in Madrid.
A traumatized banjo is of little use to psychotic sheep.
Most blood flukes prefer green tea to battery acid.
Communist tadpoles seek the return of sacred pancakes.
A transatlantic cabbage will shave televangelists.
Scottish Popes rarely contract jaundice or cholera.
Tiny demons enjoy participating in yodeling contests.
Jet skis without degrees in communication are poor diplomats.
Never has a drunk sausage committed arson with a trout.
The Hebrew potato sadly died of rabies in his girlfriend’s apartment.

XIII
Elephants often rape timid lunchboxes.
Lactating stomachs care not for Finnish orchestras.
Wooden mice hold debates in a detective’s undershorts.
Lick a gorilla once a month for lower car insurance rates.
Burning houses are good luck in Cleveland.
Never remove a Swedish woman’s nostrils without a lime.
Tap dancing with E. coli is popular with mute chimneys.
A monocle will never eat a rabbit fried in varnish.
Stealing a lawnmower engine from an Irish seal is ill advised.
A turtle will never shave a monk on Labor Day.

XIV
The possibility of contracting melanoma from a duck is high in Cuba.
If a priest has inflatable knees, never give him turnip pie.
Lactose intolerant hammers should be kept away from leather.
A tuba without cabbage is always better than a dead carpenter.
Theatrical whales can do without molting earwigs.
Oscillating fans are immune to an engine’s weeping.
The Duke of Spain is generally not seen without his prized cabinet.
A minuscule chickpea has no place as a radio DJ.
If you’re unable to see a flaming poodle, you might be Welsh.
Almanacs regularly thrash American school children.

XV
Infant turkeys have no business attending funerals.
The Pope always celebrates Bastille Day by eating a Dalmatian.
Malcontent fans seek revenge upon docile hedges.
Swimming with a yak’s colon is popular with Mormons.
Cholera has recently been linked to interrogating prunes.
Lambs always require heated navel piercings.
A malpracticing meatball should be swiftly masticated.
If a larch is lost, assist it by removing your spleen.
Rarely will a lumberjack wear a hat made in Belgium.
You should never try to eat a rusty lemon.

Continuation of before.

2004-10-29T20:50:01Z

Here's another section of "Tale of the Hebrew Potato", parts six through ten.

VI
Binding a watch to seven tennis rackets with a belt can be tricky.
A naked antelope generally denotes an approaching rain of locusts.
Smiling chipmunks generally have great deals on car insurance.
Only professionals should throw melons at salmon.
Don’t let a homeless raccoon sell you frozen beets.
Tiny acorns shave tuna with a ski mask.
Ostriches without liver hats can’t be hired as truck drivers.
A bus filled with pudding is perfect for painting cheeses.
Half of the lobsters ever eaten were really dead blue jays.
A socket wrench with dimples usually has poor baking skills

VII
Finish off a great meal with a heaping bowl of roasted lug nuts.
Lip-less mules can prevent grease fires.
A grass snake filled with tomato sauce cannot outsmart a beetle.
Florists that limp must promptly be killed and used for prison food.
Sharks that eat Teflon generally have a much shinier bladder.
Leasing out a badger to cabinet painters is highly profitable.
Bar stools are required by Utah law to play iron banjos.
Lemon-scented patio furniture is requested by hot dog vendors.
Accident-prone cuttlefish are prohibited from owning rubber bands.
Finnish mangoes make a quality vodka and alternative fuel source.

VIII
Bananas don’t eat coffee cake made by a sieve.
Corn cobs have been known to shave infant lepers.
Lawns not containing human toes are remarkably lush and verdant.
Hockey pucks used by beech trees aren’t regulation size.
The spines of lemons are quite chewy.
Highly absorbent sheep don’t require extensive fondling.
The frozen souls of the eternally damned makes a great summer treat.
Ham and tea mixes form a lethal gas.
Washing a marlin with a doorbell usually results in sever maiming.
Rugs woven from police officers are quite costly.

IX
No mollusk should ever be without a vat of melted ties.
Greased pillows almost always travel under assumed names.
Many blind Norwegians are allergic to licorice.
Hemophilic figs do not care for the company of koalas.
Umbrellas lacking salivary glands are great dancers.
Glass chicken figurines are preferred by many toddlers.
A weeping top hat cannot be consoled with chilled yak juice.
Dried couches can be used to replace heart valves.
Ponds filled with bear spleens are a well-known tax write-off.
Shovels built by migrant shins are used by bees.

X
Never ship a Styrofoam crate full of plums to Sweden.
Don’t break a wooden lamp without a bow tie.
Monks that play jazz wear mint eye patches.
Hats that run discos are without grape sherbet.
Rye bread stuffed with suitcases can help stop malaria.
Singing lamps have an edible core made of aluminum.
In order to protect the Pope, mimes are forced to make out.
Glazed slugs are popular with divorced floorboards.
A turkey that drives a garbage truck won’t date a sailor.
Buying a liver from a crack addicted lobster is wise.

Not quite finished

2004-10-26T18:49:34Z

I'm currently writing a multiple part poem on 3x5, 10 line index cards, and I'm up to 25. I'm shooting for 100, but that might never happen, so I'll be posting in sections. For now, it's Parts I-V.

The Tale of the Hebrew Potato

I
I think I’ve broken your liver; may I reimburse you later?
Please don’t dehydrate the giraffe.
Monks sell baked tambourines to salted fish.
Silk umbrellas easily protect Japanese turtles from magma.
Tables built by sheep addicted to amphetamines are quite exquisite.
Large men that eat peas do not require shoes or spinal fluid.
Watchful mimes are rewarded with sausage berets for reporting crimes.
Trophies made from salmonella are prized by grapefruits.
The squirrels won’t attack if you have lemon seeds.
A carpenter won’t wear a hat made from corn muffins.

II
Cabbage defends lepers convicted of yak desecration.
Belts with pictures of clowns are unpopular in Greece.
Beavers melt stone golf idols.
Buying horses from corn is not recommended.
Leading a mango to fleas can result in hilarity.
Shoes filled with milk don’t get dates to the prom.
Many typewriters wear zebra-scented aprons.
Submarines run on a mixture of ice and liquid towels.
Liposuction performed by a horse on shellfish is quite cheap.
Dandelions have stolen from crippled ceiling fans regularly.

III
Socks worn by lettuce can insulate low-cost housing.
Windows that face sausage orchards need repairs often.
Dolphin faces accent any diamond ring.
Ginger snaps may be tasty, but they still maim baby ducks.
Ruffled shirts sell Mormon-made jams by the interstate.
Shipping charges do not apply to midgets sent overnight.
Don’t let a tortoise sell you mayonnaise soap.
Whole-wheat eye sockets are rich in fiber, but also herpes.
Disheveled lambs steal taco salad from sherpas.
An airplane can’t waltz with a bald waffle.

IV
Woven cats dissolve poorly in tents.
Sauces made from wigs are used in Cuba.
Elephants peel cabinets as a form of naval punishment.
Leaking tubas repair ostrich hats with melted lima beans.
Roasting your knuckles prevents grass from rioting.
Shelves full of tambourines stab proctologists.
Limping springs require root canals.
Brushing a shovel with pig’s blood helps stop rust.
Iron hamsters fix stereos while eating a walrus.
Screws duel against leeches with wooden Pope-hats.

V
A swallow will eat a moose if given enough tar.
Buckets full of squid eyes demand respect from staples.
Suitcases that contain asphalt are resistant to the flu.
Attacking a piano with an oyster is fantastic exercise.
A rain coat will sometimes shrivel if given golf clubs.
Helmets made of gelatin can stop walnuts from loitering.
Lampposts milk drunken pizzas for minimum wage.
No ham has ever beaten a tailor at chess.
Rakes without toilet paper rob from elevators.
An empty fan will steal a pen from blind doorbells.

Do what now?

2004-10-18T03:53:59Z

In a shocking twist, this entry is not a poem/article that I wrote with nobody really caring. I'm taking the concept of "Reply to this to find out what I think of you" and contorting it (Mostly because I was late in creating this and my LJ friends have done that long ago) so that you reply with your opinion of me. Scream at me. Bash my artistic creations. Try to form coherent sentences. Or, just go with the crowd and ignore this completely. I'm used to that.

This is what happens when I'm bored...

2004-10-12T15:19:51Z

As my previous entries have shown, I'm lacking in the sanity department. As such, my attention is often diverted. This is simply another example of the result. For the slower readers, I've capitalized the first letter of each word in these, the Alphabet Sentences.

Apathetic, Boring, Cowardly, Dreafully Effeminate Forest Goats Hate Idiotic, Juxtaposed Kings Littering Moose Nostrils On Prussian Quilts Ripped Stylishly Towards Undulating Vultues With Xenophobic Yak Zombies.

Bloody, Chilean Dolphins Eat Forty Grotesque, Hirsute, Islamic Jumping Koalas, Leaving Mostly Nauseated, Oxymoronic, Putrid, Quirky, Rabid, Sloppy Tuna Untouched While Xavier Yearns Zesty Apples.

Cautious, Dirty, Egotistical, Frank Gophers Have Idle, Jocular, Kindly, Loitering, Masculine Narwhals Open Pragmatic, Quiet, Rotten, Stuttering, Tiny, Usurped, Wooly, X-rayed, Yammering, Zealous, Artistic Badgers.

So far, my insanity has only provided three sentences, but rest assured, as long as the sun rises, I'll be crazy, and continue to write these. Unless of course they reach high levels of lameness, in which case, I'll stop.

And now, for something completely different - an article of sorts

2004-10-08T20:13:22Z

Robots: Still an Evil Menace, or Friendly Companions?

I know that as soon as many of you read the title, a decision was already formed in your mind, and it was the former. Those of us that survived the Great Robot Rebellions of ‘89 and ‘93 remember all too well the rivers of blood and cowering in dark alleys as the ominous sound of metal on asphalt came closer and closer. I apologize to the elder readers if the above triggered horrendous flashbacks, but I too lost many in those failed uprisings, yet I am not a ‘robo-phobe.’ Even those not directly affected by the aforementioned rebellions know of infamous robotic world leaders. Fidel Castro is perhaps the most prominent automaton-turned leader of a country, but Lenin must not be forgotten, as he is simply recharging, and not refusing to decompose as countless people think. However, I hope to shed some light upon the robot debate.

Recently, though highly dangerous, I have befriended an obvious robot in the guise of a human. To protect said robot, I shall refer to him as Steve, a name quite similar to his true identity, Murray, except that the two are nothing alike. Steve and I have had many adventures together that would be fit for the television movie of the week. I painstakingly taught him the full gamut of human emotions, and he bent a steel beam into a “U” shape. I spent many an hour polishing and oiling him, and Steve bent a steel beam into a “U” shape. And with the exception of the occasion in which I defeated Steve in a game of ski-ball and he choked me for nearly two minutes, he has never once tried to kill me in brutal robotic fashion.

So I ask you, dear reader, to take a new look at robots. If nothing else, they are quite handy if something is in desperate need of being bent into a “U” shape. I wish to point out that Old Glory, an insurance company, has sparked more anti-robot sentiments with their robot coverage plan for the elderly. Old Glory goes as far as to state that robots eat old people’s medications for fuel, which is simply not the case. After many months spent in the company with Steve, I have found out that robots prefer alcohol of any sort. I’d also like to make it known that while many world-famous robots are evil, such as Fidel Castro, there are several that have done good deeds. Pope John Paul II comes to mind, as does Robo-Cop, even though the motion picture based on his actions was slightly exaggerated. Another robot that is in fact, not evil, is Bob Dole. However, I am slightly biased towards Mr. Dole as he is one of my personal heroes.

Many people incorrectly assume that Dick Cheney belongs in this field, but he is in fact more along the lines of a cyborg, as he was born human, but desired to become a robot. After many hours of surgery, he had several artificial organs implanted in his body. This accounts for his astonishing nine heart attacks in the span of twelve minutes.

Originally created 12-03

2004-09-27T21:32:20Z

A Humble Man’s Dream

Jesus eats bees while water-skiing.
Drain your baby before the donkey lice arrive.
Shaving a Persian rug is quite rewarding.
Inflating a weasel with cream cheese is popular with dentists.
Tiny ottomans usually have no use for toast.
If you require dolphin livers, you obviously aren’t a yacht.
Lambs that tap dance often steal from chipmunks.
A rotating carpenter lacks purple wood beetles.
Gophers that reside in Florida greatly enjoy codfish hats.
Pelicans addicted to blueberry jam must knit igloos.
Hypocritical termites must find employment as gas station attendants.
Tortoise-shell ceiling fans must be coated with slugs once a fortnight.
A tennis ball cannot be sustained on a diet of reclining chairs alone.
Harps that play in shuffleboard tournaments have muscular knees.
Avoid contracting herpes from a moth, as the resulting stains are tough to remove.
Books printed on lemon custard are fun for invisible carrots.
Mining for parrot oil demands smooth ears and no wasps.
If you wash a ferret with lobster entrails, keep an ostrich close.
Ceiling fan repair should be attempted by Dutch sausage only.
Injecting a clock with leeches is an unreliable cure for impotence.
A doughnut that is fluent in Portuguese has an underdeveloped boat.
Masks constructed from catsup and leaves are popular with boll weevils.
A carpet maker from Ohio cannot be denied penguin slippers.
Stuffing you table with cedar chips is done mainly in Haiti.
Milkmen with glass eyes are highly preferred by horses.
A newt that lacks an easy chair won’t eat wooden tomatoes.
Several lamps have been convicted of robbing from pudding factories recently.

Originally created: 9-03

2004-09-27T21:31:06Z

Prime Numbers Q through &

Postal workers gnaw on the shins of sailors often.
A hippopotamus can’t recite a story without drinking buttermilk.
Plum tomatoes do not attend dinner parties held by shiny monkeys.
If you pummel a clown with a wrench, wear safety goggles.
Shaving a salmon can earn a quick profit for the senile.
Chalk made during the 30s was lacking in soup content.
The piano sold opium to Lassie.
A retirement community for ex-Popes exists in Trenton, NJ.
Tiny lepers play dominoes with dead buffalo.
Citric acid is used in brain transplants for robot sausage.
Pool cues made of clowns are illegal in tournaments.
Small peas get slaughtered in tetherball games.
An acoustic banana is a poor conductor of shampoo.
Daffodils resent any charitable acts performed by a squid.
Woolen beaks are used by crack addicts as belt buckles.
Donkeys migrate to West Hollywood during Superbowl Sunday.
Trousers should never be worn with a burlap tuxedo.
Pigeons make good doorstops once decapitated.
Cheetahs from Luxembourg don’t secret clams.
Butter is a potential substitute for dolphin.
Remove your neighbor’s lymph gland and get a free button!
An invisible shoe won’t fit a plum.
The clock wears a tile scarf.
Protein exists in the colons of badgers.
Do no procreate with a waffle iron.
Simmer your teeth prior to killing a yak.
Green beans aren’t interested in sailing with eels.

Originally created: 7-03

2004-09-27T21:26:42Z

Everlasting Friendship

When the rattlesnake yawns, avoid silver bees.
Too many olives can ruin a disco.
Teeth from papaya secrete granite.
Goat saplings need pruning often.
Milk research is funded by dog catchers.
Minnesota will soon change its borders to become hexagonal.
Puppets made from smoked meats entertain dead loggers.
Mice destroy onion sculptures with salad tongs.
Baseballs filled with shrimp are used primarily in Egypt.
Melted fish read to blind people at bowling tournaments.
Pants without grappling hooks attached to the inseam are rejected by ducks.
If purchasing a watch, ones made from eyes last several weeks.
Dolphins that consume too many tacos become chewy.
Rugs generally don’t have many bones in them.
Insects combust more readily when sober.
Seriously, don’t shave an Icelandic man’s prostate.
Never steal a tomato from a plumber.
Take no spoons without wearing a scarf.
Smaller moons are not normally cream-filled.
Silk desks are frequently infested with manatees.
Paintings about watches are not yellow.
When bowling with tubas, do not invite an optometrist.
Tiny dogs hang out at bus stops, selling fried moose.
Potatoes without scarves are poor train conductors.
A priest will step on a turtle if it has a beard.
Bread will sometimes give chickens heart murmurs.
Massive bananas strike fear in tornadoes.

Another example of my deteriorating sanity.

2004-09-27T04:14:43Z

Happy Birthday J*** P***** (Edited to protect uh, someone)

Happy Birthday, you are tall.
Happy Birthday, penis so small.
Happy Birhtday, go drive to the mall.
Happy Birthday, I give you yak shawl.

Happy Birthday, eat candy baby.
Happy Birthday, stab mime that's lazy.
Happy Birthday; talk to cow? You crazy.
Happy Birthday from Mr. T? Maybe.

Happy Birthday, Brandon is a hairy guy.
Happy Birthday, James say, "Get high."
Happy Birthday, don't drop your pie.
Happy Birthday, Easter Bunny say, "Hi."

I am not exactly sure why I decided to post this poem, but I'm not sure about most of the things I do any more.

Slightly stolen...

2004-09-26T02:44:56Z

This might be one of the few poems/inane ramblings that has an introduction. Good ol' JSP at http://www.sixsixfive.com created a poem-thing of sorts. Being untalented, I sort of stole it. But not. Ugh.

He Loves Me Still

I put peanut butter in his socks,
Yet he loves me still.
I dropped a brick on his uncle's dog, a crude joke,
Yet he loves me still.
I threw banana peels at his grandmother,
Yet he loves me still.
I've photographed the planets and stars behind his back,
Yet he loves me still.
I made him dance on the clouds with me,
Yet he loves me still.
I've pushed him down countless flights of stairs, in simple jest,
Yet he loves me still.
He loves me despite everything I've done to him,
So why is he dead?

Author's note: I've never actually been in love, because I suck at everthing and I hate everyone I encounter.

Originally created: 6-03

2004-09-26T02:31:53Z

Majestic Salamander

A small mole is eaten with peanut butter by a swallow.
Some rhinoceroses will don festive beaks for formal events.
The species of celery known as Yak Eye is deceptively vicious.
When molding a shoe with goose livers, wear a bow tie.
Placing a scoop of dust on a baby ensures a good crop.
If you must cobble a doorman, use multiple wrenches.
Avoid eating a moose in Helsinki, as you could get hives.
Cheese wasps are strong sellers in Arabic communities.
Cookware is a good way of siphoning knowledge from bishops.
When mutilating adolescent hamsters, grapefruit spoons are useless.
Rabbis don’t often judge break dancing contests.
The sound of a car horn disturbs lime-flavored Jell-O.
Dragons from Istanbul have never won a chess tournament.
Milkmen and grouse have been feuding over Cincinnati for years.
A yellow rocking chair denotes an outbreak of the heebie-jeebies.
Most sewer rats don’t care for movies starring any of the Baldwins.
A derelict unicycle can be used as a laserdisc player.
It is know to many that Hebrew men named Rusty are rare.
Insane eggplants should be invited to surprise parties, but not wedding receptions.
Spices such as nutmeg cause severe internal bleeding if used in excess.
A small hill can quickly turn voluptuous when donkeys are inebriated.
Fungus can and will terminated bakers with extreme prejudice if provoked.
A pencil scented with mustard gas is useful if taking a test about circus freaks.
Men wearing leather pants often have no pancreases.
Stereo systems without at least twelve speakers are of no use to Mormons.
It is a sad fact that most weasel ranches don’t last long.
Drinking alcoholic pancake batter and bowling is a great Tuesday tradition with Koreans.

Originally created: 5-03

2004-09-26T02:30:59Z

The Fluttering Butterfly

Only when the moon reflects off of tuna will a dove vomit.
Having been recycled for two weeks, the clown is mint-flavored.
When Australians forget to wash, bull frogs croak folk songs.
Sharks have been caught molting on video twice.
Left-most willows cannot divulge family recipes.
To truly test a barber, ask him to wax a wild, Northern Chilean porpoise.
If you had no knees, my time of return would be quite fast.
Vengeful mimes kick chipmunks at night.
Above all else, don't milk the wax porcupine.
Giraffes are made of rocks in the Sahara.
Textbooks contain hidden messages left by Hitler.
A naive mouse will walk into a trap with pineapple as bait.
A lone desk usually denotes ham burglaring.
Posters of international shoes are popular with taco vendors.
Music played on trees cannot be danced to.
Stealing a Camaro is a rite of passage for astronauts.
Aftershave and bread pudding is a lethal combination.
Batman easily defeated Nixon, Mussolini, and Oprah in golf.
When eating tax forms, cole slaw makes a good side dish.
In the jungles of Spain, a mole has thousands of enemies.
A carrot can't tap dance with a flamingo if both are Cuban.
When dining with carpenters, avoid the polio sandwiches.
Aged plumbers dispose of leaking waffles deftly.
Melting a dog can be much fun if rutabega is used.
Flannel eye glasses provide superb ultraviolet protection.
Gray milk should not be combined with salmon.

Originally created: 4-03

2004-09-26T02:29:24Z

An Awakening of My Mind

On the morrow, Jerry’s podium shall splinter.
Erasing my face with creamed corn has proved to be efficient.
Heating ducts seem to be perfect hiding places for nuns.
The small kitten, intoxicated with sausage, has locked the filing cabinet.
Pudding is slowly seeping through the wings of a dove.
There are over thirty reasons why guys called Smelly need extra love.
Only one stray hat is needed to infect a whole bushel of soap.
Dolphins are squiggly, but only in the rain.
A bleeding moth is a fair substitute for a compass and a barometer.
A garbage bag full of chicken salad is a rare treat for Polish acrobats.
Might I milk your shins, good madam?
Weep, weep for the memory of a jar of appendix preserves.
The pants have been moistened due to a bleeding mongoose.
Santa rides a dirtbike while on vacation in Thailand.
Celery impales wooden peaches with much vigor.
Pouring the scalded mayonnaise on a bald man releases salmon.
Fishing for butter is a traditional reliever of heartburn.
Marshmallow goats have longer shelf-lives than pancake soup.
Llamas knit tuxedoes out of mousse for bass.
Please don’t remove the potato from your undershorts until after we’ve spoken.
The average lacrosse helmet is a good fit for Buddha.
A school desk made from penguin beaks rapidly decomposes.
Varnish your knees when attacked by mayflies.
Welding your socks out of linoleum saves time and money.
Getting skin transfusions from wombat husks is risky, but fun.
With the exception of gray or orange mascara, cows have a hatred of makeup.